For some, spending the holidays alone may be the only hope of a ‘Silent Night’

Okay, so articles waxing rhapsodies about the magic of the season, idealized tales of the glow of candles, Christmas trees and family togetherness abound this time of year.

Well, banish all visions of sugarplums, my pretties, because I’m here to talk about the dark side of Christmas.

I’m talking about the undercounted and underrepresented millions of people in this country who like the holidays in theory but are forced to spend them with people they can’t stand—their families.

There are a ton of folks who have very good reasons to dislike their kin, but the subject is generally taboo, especially at the holidays. There’s the underlying stigma that if one does not get along with one’s family, there must be something wrong with one. But what if the problem is that something really is wrong with one’s family?

Every family is “dysfunctional,” but there are definitely degrees. Physical and sexual abuse, constant verbal and/or emotional abuse and substance abuse are just a few of the things that can permanently scar familial relationships. Other things—family secrets, arguments, playing favorites and other manipulative “games”—can also make for habitually difficult get-togethers, whether one is the object of the abuse or is witness to it being serially perpetrated on another family member.

Every family has its drunken uncle, overbearing aunt, obnoxious cousin, etc., but if that person is closer—say, your mother or father or brother—or it is not one person, but a whole family dynamic, the angelic visions a white Christmas with the fire crackling merrily in the fireplace can plummet straight to the hottest lower regions of the netherworld long before the wrapping paper hits the floor.

Folks with this sort of family dynamic often silently suffer among the happy throngs in dread as the holidays approach. Not wanting to seem Scrooge-like, they say nothing. They send holiday greetings, they shop for gifts, they bake and trim the tree. And, as the Advent passes, the volume of “Jingle Bells” rises and the day approaches, in silent anxiety, they brace for the inevitable.

Idyllic media representations and descriptions of holiday plans from friends and coworkers only add to the pressure. After all, no one wants to admit his or her holiday will be anything less than perfect, right?

Maybe, hope against hope, this year will be better, some dare to dream. But the realistic among those so inflicted with miserable familial units know better. The ride “over the river and through the woods” is an annual ride straight to hell.

On Dec. 25, they know that gift giving may be used to inflict pain and/or embarrassment instead of being a joyous holiday ritual. They know that any and all perceived or real personality flaws of family members, including themselves, are fair game for dinner conversation, and what happens after dinner is anybody’s guess, but it would be safe to bet the day doesn’t have an especially happy ending—at least until everyone is on their way home.

Then, and only then, can the sigh of relief be let out. A flood of thoughts of how it could have been worse (or maybe not, depending on the situation) pour forth, but at least it’s over. What should have been a cherished memory is forgotten as soon as possible.

It would make a pretty funny sitcom, but the situation is far from humorous as a reality.

Many folks with “difficult” families may opt for a new tradition of visiting spouses’ families at the first opportunity—hopefully, in a distant state, negating any possibility of dealing with demented kin during the heighth of the season of red and green.

But for those who remain single, there is little “excuse” not to join one’s family, no matter how scary they may be, short of a permanent cross-continental relocation, and depending on the situation, that may not even do the trick.

No, for these folks, a difficult choice must be made—“Peace on Earth” (at least in the living room), possibly alone, on Dec. 25 or spending the day with one’s relatives who are completely unfamiliar with the concept of “Joy to the World,” and instead seem bent upon inflicting much nastiness upon it.

So, if you are actually, truly looking forward to spending some quality time with your family this season, and you don’t expect the outcome of this year’s family get-together to have the potential of landing in the local newspaper’s police blotter, count your blessings. If your friend or neighbor or co-worker seems a little blue or goes silent every time the subject of family holiday get-togethers is brought up, don’t press the issue.

Most of all, if an acquaintance has the courage to say they won’t be visiting their family over the holiday, don’t be too judgmental. “Oh, that’s terrible, everyone should spend the holidays with their family,” doesn’t help, and if they are not celebrating the day with kin, there is probably a good reason, and unless volunteered, the reason is probably none of your business.

But you might extend an invitation, if you’re so inclined and it’s practical.

Without a doubt, holidays should be spent among loved ones, and it’s been said no one should spend the holidays alone, but perhaps the adage should be amended. There are worse things than spending the holidays alone—you could be obligated to

(Originally published in The Easton News, December 7, 2006)