At the end of the world, some feel fine

Do you need a little advice to get through the “end times”?

What? You didn’t know the world is coming to an end, and we should all rejoice?

Well, maybe not all of us. Just the saved, who will be whisked away to heaven (leaving even their clothes behind, if you can believe that kind of mundane detail in a prophecy) while the rest of us are left behind to burn (presumably fully clothed) in a lake of fire.

Somehow, despite that this line of reasoning bears about as much understanding of the message of Christ as Kevin Kline displays about Buddhism while playing Otto in “A Fish Called Wanda,” (remember that line? “It’s a Buddhist meditation technique. The monks used to do it before they went into battle.”), it is actually gaining popularity in some Christian circles in this country.

And there’s even a Web site to help the “saved” navigate these tricky times. Raptureready.com has all the answers. And, yes, they’re serious.

Written for the modern true believer, one can peruse such gems as “Your Final Final Final Warning: This time we're serious” from the “Bible-based truth” section of the site.

The site even has an “Armageddon clock” and explains how it was based on the “doomsday clock” used to measure the imminent peril of nuclear war. Unlike the doomsday clock, however, the Armageddon clock only moves forward towards Earth’s destruction.

There’s also the “Rapture Index,” which is more like a speedometer telling one how fast the earth is moving toward the end. While “there’s no turning back,” the speed is variable, depending on events; the end of the world may be approaching quickly or slowly.

The owner of the Rapture Ready site are not completely without compassion for those who are damned. If you’re one of the unsaved, there’s a section for you: “Information For Those Left Behind” though most of that information involves details of your imminent damnation.

The authors of Rapture Ready have even thoughtfully pre-written a “memorandum,” (Date: Unknown, To: Everyone else, From: Those who have vanished, Re: The truth about what happened). It begins, “It’s as simple as this: We who belong to Christ were called into the air above the planet in the rapture.”

It goes on to say that excuses and explanations for the mysterious disappearance of the thousands people who are gone are all false and guesses the explanations will range from some sort of natural phenomena to alien abduction. But, it cautions, “Don’t believe any of these or other explanations. To find out the absolute truth about what the mass vanishing actually involves, read in the Bible 1 Corinthians 15:51-55 and 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18. Also read John 14:1-3 to find out where we who vanished are presently located...You have only one chance to survive: accept Jesus Christ as Savior (Read John, chapter 3). This will involve refusing to take Antichrist’s mark when it is instituted. If you accept the mark, you are eternally doomed. Note to those not appointed to God’s wrath (1 Thes. 5:9-11): Perhaps you should pass this memorandum to your lost family and friends before you vanish. Then, post it on your refrigerator.”

Uh, if you’re going to the trouble of leaving a note on the fridge to let your poor infidel friends and family know where God has whisked you off to, don’t you think you could include the text of John 14:1-3 (it’s not that long) so we don’t have to dig for a Bible (the damned can rarely locate them quickly, you know—they wouldn’t be the “unsaved” if they could) and figure out where you are, instead of using the holy book like a AAA road map? Hey, just this one time, quoting the Bible directly would be welcome.

In case you’re not sure if you’re ready for the rapture, the site’s got that covered too. “Are you rapture ready?” leads to a page where one gets to make the choice between Jesus and Satan—literally. You click on your choice, and get led to the appropriate page. If you click on Christ, you get the “requirements” for following Him (along with a happy message informing you more than 95 percent of Americans choose Christ over Satan). If you choose Satan, you get a message reminding you that you are choosing eternal damnation.

Wow, is that spiritually profound, or what?

Of course, by RR standards, I’m already damned, whether I take some mark, when and if it’s imposed, or not. You see, an article in the “Keeping Track of God’s Adversaries” section, “Satan’s Little Helpers,” informs me that I am one of them. The author states, “In the ‘free world,’ Satan has found the liberal media makes for an effective tool for guiding and controlling society.” Since no definition is given regarding the non-liberal media, and “the liberal media” is the only term used for the press, I can only assume all of us are “liberal,” and therefore the agents of Satan. We’re also getting more powerful all the time, if this statement further down the page is to be believed.

“In a step beyond ranking the news, the liberal media has sole authority to pick and choose which news stories receive press coverage. By selecting stories that are sympathetic to its line of thinking, the liberal media can help determine the direction this country will be heading.”

What?!

I never knew I was helping to determine national domestic policy. If that’s the case, I definitely want a raise in pay. It’s the least they can do in exchange for my imperiling my immortal soul for reporting the local news.

All of this could be humorous, except that these folks are quite serious and gaining some political speed. With the end of the world nigh, what reason is there to care about the environment? Or dwindling oil resources? Or even war in the Middle East?

Since war there is supposed to be one symptom of God’s imminent return, to some minds, this is a good thing, no matter how many people are killed or maimed. It is God’s will, and these followers are eager to hasten their interpretation of it, no matter how bloody it might be. Never mind that the same Bible says God put mankind in stewardship of the Earth.

The real problem lies in the irrationality of it all. Religious interpretation is one’s right in this country, but with 59 percent of the population saying in a 2002 poll they literally believe in the bible and the Rapture could happen, lack of action in the arenas of environmental protection, alternate and sustainable energy sources and foreign diplomacy could eventually damn us all.

(Originally published in The Easton News, August 10, 2006)